Chapter 3. Needs

Needs are the internal requests that appear in response to real conditions. They point to what matters right now and guide both shared and personal action. Distinguishing conditions (facts) from needs (requests) prevents a lot of confusion.

Categories of needs

1. Physiological / basic — health, safety, sexual closeness
2. Emotional / psychological — love, recognition, support, emotional safety
3. Development / growth — learning, self-realization, novelty and experiences
4. Shared / couple — common goals, traditions, time together, a sense of “we”
5. Social / external — recognition as a couple, support network, fit with the environment

1. Physiological / basic

These needs keep life stable: sleep, health, food, physical and financial safety, sexual closeness. When they’re thin, tension shows up everywhere else. A simple check — Are we sleeping, eating, and recovering well enough to function? — often explains more than a long argument. Protecting these basics first reduces background stress and makes every other conversation easier.

2. Emotional / psychological

These needs ask to be seen, valued, and safe with each other — love, attention, respect, reassurance. They’re met in small, repeatable ways: eye contact, timely replies, warmth after a hard day, naming what you appreciate. When these micro-signals are missing, doubt grows; when they’re present, trust and closeness accumulate.

3. Development / growth

People need movement: learning, mastery, self-expression, new experiences. Stagnation feels like a fog. Name one area you want to grow in and one tiny step you can take this month; invite your partner to protect that step. Mutual support here turns “someday” into progress you can both see, strengthening the “I” and enriching the “We” at the same time.

4. Shared / couple

These needs shape the identity of “we”: goals, projects, rituals, time that is clearly ours. Pick one shared rhythm (weekly walk, slow coffee, Sunday planning) and let it anchor the week. Visible rhythms create belonging and make it easier to weather busy seasons.

5. Social / external

The outside world matters: family, friends, community, and how your life fits the surrounding environment. Map the supports you have and the pressures you feel; thank the former and set boundaries with the latter. Clear signals to others protect closeness without isolating you.

Difference between conditions and needs

Keep the lens clean:

• Condition: a fact, a given — “We live in a small apartment.”
• Need: a request that follows — “I need more space / quiet / outside time.”

This distinction makes plans more realistic. It shifts the conversation from blame — “We’re stuck here.” — to curiosity — “Given this space, what do we actually need?”

Conclusion

Needs are the compass for vision and for choosing functions. When you name them plainly, you understand yourself and each other faster and pick actions that actually help. Start small: one named need, one next step, one check-in to see if it worked.