Chapter 4. Functions

Functions are the ways you act — together and individually — to meet current needs under real conditions. When you treat them as living behaviors rather than chores, they give energy back instead of draining it.

Categories of functions

1. Shared functions — ensure interaction and shared life.
2. Personal functions — help each person remain whole and develop.

1. Shared functions

They include:

• Communication
  Think of it as the engine of the relationship — the way you share feelings, make decisions, and find your way back to each other after conflict. A simple habit like “pause → name what I feel → ask one question” keeps old arguments from looping and turns friction into movement.
• Support
  Emotional, practical, financial. Agree on the shape of help before the moment is hot — “When I say ‘swamped’, please sit with me for five minutes / take the dishes tonight / check the budget with me Thursday.” Specific help offered at the right time builds trust much faster than generic promises.
• Cooperation
  Who does what, and how you switch when life changes. A visible list of shared tasks with “owner”, “backup”, and “trade rules” cuts down on score - keeping and keeps fairness from being a feeling to being a system.
• Intimacy
  Physical, emotional, intellectual. Protect one small window that doesn’t get negotiated away (a device-free half hour, a weekly walk, a slow coffee). Consistency does more for closeness than intensity.
• Joint development
  Projects, learning, rituals, new experiences. Pick one tiny thing to build this month—a photo album, two - song dance break, trying a class — and schedule it like anything else you care about. Shared novelty keeps the “we” feeling elastic.

These functions form the foundation of the “we,” nurturing connection and resilience over time.

2. Personal functions

While shared functions build your life together, personal functions are the roots that keep the “we” healthy — they give each of you a solid place to stand.

They include:

• Self-care
  Health, rest, stress habits. Decide one recovery move you’ll actually use this week; tell your partner when it happens so they can protect it — your rest is a resource for both of you.
• Emotional work
  Self-reflection, regulation, self-worth. A short check-in like “name the feeling → name the need → choose one request” reduces what the relationship has to carry — lighter “I” makes a steadier “we.”
• Hobbies and interests
  Joy in personal pursuits adds fresh air to the couple’s rhythm. Share results, not schedules—“show and tell” brings your partner in without turning hobbies into chores.
• Social self-realization
  Work, friends, contribution. Keeping two or three outside connections alive prevents the relationship from carrying the entire weight of recognition.
• Personal development
  Learning, practices, new experiences. One micro-experiment per month is enough; confidence grows from reps, not leaps.

These functions help a person stay fulfilled and avoid overloading the relationship. Encouragement from a partner turns individual pursuits into shared pride.

Balance of personal and shared functions

Strong personal functions ease the shared ones: for example, if a person can cope with stress, the partner does not become the sole source of support. Weak personal functions, on the contrary, overload the relationship: when there are no hobbies or friends, the partner has to compensate for everything.

Balance isn’t a 50/50 split; it’s a feedback loop. When “I” is resourced, “we” needs less firefighting. When “we” is steady, “I” has room to grow. Use small signals — “I’m good / I’m low” — to adjust before strain becomes a story.

Conclusion

Functions are switches you can flip on purpose. Pick a few, make them visible, and let them do the quiet work of keeping the relationship moving.