Chapter 5. Links

Conditions, needs, and functions don’t live on separate islands. They connect in a simple chain:

Condition → Need → Function

This chain shows how reality shapes requests and how requests guide action. When you name the links clearly, the fog of argument lifts and the next clear step appears.

1. Condition → Need

Examples (name the fact, then the request it creates):

• Little time together → need for closeness.
  Shift from “we never meet” to “I want to feel close to you.” The request points to what the next page should solve.

• Financial instability → need for safety and predictability.
  Once named, you can decide what “safer” means this month (budget review, spending freeze, clear roles).

• Pressure from relatives → need for autonomy and boundaries.
  Agree where you say “yes,” where you say “not this week,” and who delivers the message.

• Chronic stress → need for emotional shelter.
  Define what shelter looks like in practice (quieter evenings, fewer asks after 8 p.m., a check-in phrase).

2. Need → Function

Now pick actions that meet the named need:

• Need: recognition → function: communication.
  Add a tiny habit: one gratitude or compliment per day, said out loud or in a note.

• Need: shared time → function: cooperation (planning).
  Choose one anchor block for the week and protect it like any other appointment.

• Need: emotional safety → function: support.
  Use a short script: “I hear you. Do you want help or just company?” Then follow the answer.

• Need: development → function: joint development.
  Pick one micro-project for the month and schedule the first 30 minutes.

3. Personal functions shape shared ones

When personal functions are strong, the shared space breathes easier.

If someone manages stress, there’s less spillover. If hobbies and friendships are alive, a partner isn’t the only source of joy or recognition. That space makes curiosity and play easier together.

When personal functions sag, the shared space gets heavy.

Lack of rest, autonomy, or outside support turns the partner into a patch for everything. Noticing the gap — and encouraging one concrete personal step — lightens the load for both.

4. Universal formula

Condition (background) → Need (request) → Function (action mode)

Example:

• Condition: lots of work, little time
• Need: feel close and stay in touch
• Shared function: one gadget-free evening each week
• Personal function: plan recovery so there’s energy to show up

This sequence turns a vague problem into a plan you can try.

Conclusion

Linking is the move that turns “We need more closeness” into “We’ll set aside Thursday night and make it a ritual.” Practice saying the links out loud. The clearer the chain, the easier it is to choose a next step that actually helps.